Ranking the Marvel films so far

Now that Ant-Man has brought Phase 2 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe to a close, and it'll be another year before we get another Marvel film ("Fantastic Four" doesn't count), it's high time I ranked the films thus far. 

• • 
    

12. The Incredible Hulk (2008). The film is billed as "incredible"; I call it distilled weaksauce. Some fun action scenes and humor do not make up for the lackluster performances, most notably from Edward Norton (who reeeeally came across as disinterested), and Hulk taking out the Abomination by ... choking him out with a lead pipe? What? At least the previous film had Sam Elliott!

"Thunderbolt" Ross does not condone your buffoonery. 

11. Thor: The Dark World (2013). Anytime Loki is onscreen, the film is a blast. But once he exits the narrative it goes downhill fast. The audience is given no further reason to care about Jane Foster (although Lady Sif does regard her with some epic side-eye), and when we first see Dr. Selvig he's running around naked ... for no reason except "he's craaaaazy." Even Anthony Hopkins, who was perfectly cast and utilized as Odin in the first film, seems wasted here, and he seems to phone it in. And there's no reason to care about the villain except for the fact that he killed Thor's mom to remind us how evil he is. Plus, the last 30 minutes are essentially just Thor and Malekith playing "Portal."

"There goes the neighborhood ..."

10. Iron Man 3 (2013). This one is still a lot of fun, but it just doesn't hold up compared to the other two, especially after repeated viewings. The "twist" regarding the Mandarin isn't a death sentence for the film by any means, but it's still a disappointment, and the fire-breathing Aldrich Killian is quite unimpressive compared to the darkly sinister Ben Kingsley mumbling assorted nonsense about teaching America a lesson. Killian's underlings, on the other hand, played by James Badge Dale and Stephanie Szostak, are a lot more interesting, and a lot more bloodthirsty. The movie also falters a bit in its attempts to counterbalance the darker tone with one-liners and gags ... it works to an extent but after a while it gets old, especially with the plucky comic relief kid.

To be fair, though, who WOULDN'T leave Ty Simpkins behind?

9. Iron Man 2 (2010). Honestly, this movie gets a lot more hate than it deserves. It biggest offense, which admittedly does detract a great deal from the overall product, is the rushed ending. Like most moviegoers, I really could have gone for another 5-10 minutes of Iron Man and War Machine whupping up on Whiplash (or vice-versa). Mickey Rourke was such an enjoyable villain, and I would have liked to see him at least have words with Tony before the two armored heroes "crossed the streams" and vaporized him. More of Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer would also have been appreciated. The "my arc reactor is slowly killing me" subplot, too, was pretty weak, especially since Iron Man 3 showed he could have had it removed at any time. 

This guy ... we need more of this guy. 

8. Ant-Man (2015). What I liked about Ant-Man was (pun intended) its small scale. There's no imminent threat to mankind, just the implied threat of what will happen if CEO Darren Cross has his way. It's a fun, good-natured heist film, and the ever-endearing everyman Paul Rudd is a perfect addition to the MCU as Scott Lang, heir to the Ant-Man mantle. But even though the movie is good fun with heart, that's not quite enough to put it at the top of my list.

"Stupid drain's clogged again ..."

7. Thor (2011). There's really nothing wrong with Thor. In fact, its greatest triumph is making Thor, a rather stuffy character in the comics, a likable if slightly boorish character you'd actually want to hang out with in real life. Kenneth Branagh did a great job adapting the character to the big screen, but at times it does drag a little bit, and the slower pace is what keeps it from being a top-tier Marvel film. I was also a bit displeased by Natalie Portman as love interest Jane Foster, who in the comics is a nurse but in the film is an astrophysicist. If their goal was to make her more of a "strong female character," they kind of failed, because at every turn she's still practically swooning for the muscle-bound thunder god (the sequel takes it even further in the wrong direction, showing Jane's life has become a lonely, miserable mess in his absence). The animated series Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes got Jane right, portraying her as a tough EMT who runs directly into danger to help the wounded, and thereby gaining Thor's attention and respect. The movie version of Jane ... I honestly don't see why Thor would give her the time of day. 

Old-school Jane ain't got time for Thor's crap. 

6. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011). I loved this movie. I really did. And it hurts to exclude it from the top 5. Excellent casting, exhilarating action and a great pulpy feel all contributed to a great movie. I especially enjoyed Tommy Lee Jones as the gruff yet witty Colonel Chester Phillips and Toby Jones as the scheming HYDRA scientist Arnim Zola. Buuuuut it still rates below the top dogs, and it has its share of goofy moments.

Sorry, Steve ...

5. Iron Man (2008). Marvel got it right the first time with this film. It's exciting, it's funny, it's got a terrifying heel turn from Jeff Bridges and it showed us that Robert Downey, Jr., was actually leading man material. It's not the best of the Marvel films, but it set the stage for all the awesomeness that followed over the next seven years.

"Hey, bebbeh ..."

4. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015). Nowwwww we're down to the tough choices. From here on out, they are all 5-star movies in my book. Age of Ultron is not the best of the top four, and the parts where Whedon clearly had more to say are evident, but this is still an immensely satisfying movie. Some developments are a little out of left field, such as Black Widow's teased romance with Dr. Banner, who she should be terrified of after the first film, but overall it's a very well-crafted film with high stakes and Whedon's trademark knack for sharp banter and character development.

It also had this jack@$$.

3. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014). Marvel's best solo film so far, even though it wouldn't be a stretch to call it Avengers 1.5. The action is breathtaking, and finally gives Samuel L. Jackson the chance to be the Nick Fury we've been waiting for all this time. And even though those expecting Robert Redford to be the Red Skull in disguise were disappointed, the implosion of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the revelation of HYDRA's resurgence were nonetheless developments that shook the entire MCU, and the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV series as well.

And you thought you had a lousy commute ...

2. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014). How can you not love this movie? A ragtag band of misfit characters get together in decidedly "Star Wars"-ish fashion and save the galaxy, with a delightfully awesome soundtrack to boot. It's not quite meaty enough to take the top spot, but it is a VERY close second. The best argument that can be made for it deserving the top spot, though, is its universal appeal. ANYBODY can enjoy this film, whether or not they typically like superhero or sci-fi movies.

Stay swashbuckly, my friends.

1. The Avengers (2012). All of the yes. Although subsequent viewings are a reminder of how excruciatingly slow the first act is, once it pays off IT PAYS OFF BIG. I'd go so far as to call this movie the culmination of all my childhood dreams in one glorious spectacle. The most ingenious aspect of the Marvel model is that all of the characters had already been established--all The Avengers had to do was bring them together, and once they get off the Helicarrier and into action, it's a sight to behold. Plus you get the wonderfully hammy villainy of Tom Hiddleston's Loki in all his figurative mustache-twirling glory. The Avengers might not hold the top spot for long, with The Infinity War being the obvious endgame of Phase 3, but for now it's still the one to beat.

... like a rented Loki. 

"No Strings Attached" –– My Avengers: Age of Ultron review

Remember when you saw the first Avengers movie, and you were just in awe of these larger-than-life, dynamic, and (most importantly) established characters all being epic together onscreen? Remember how great that felt?

Maybe it didn't feel so great for Loki ...

Flash forward two years to Captain America: The Winter Soldier, which showed you how much MORE awesome these already-awesome characters could be. Remember that? Cap in the elevator? Opening up myriad cans of whup-@$$?

Going down?

Avengers: Age Of Ultron is more of that. MUCH more of that. It's a total escalation, in both scale and stakes. And it is very, very good.

YAAAAASSSS.

Let's start with the pacing. The Avengers was a cinematic masterpiece, and I gave it a 5/5 rating when it came out because, let's face it, it was all my childhood dreams come true. And don't get me wrong, I still love it dearly, but some of its flaws are evident after subsequent watchings. First and foremost, the exposition in the first third of the movie was VERY clunky. It tried to get the ball rolling quickly with Loki's arrival and the Avengers being gathered, but the fun doesn't start until everyone's on the Helicarrier. Age of Ultron, on the other hand, doesn't have to set anything up. We know the characters. We know what their powers are. We know what their motivations are. The film starts off with the Avengers storming Baron von Strucker's castle because mad science, and that's all you need. It's great. And it establishes Hulk as the Avengers' "nuclear option," the guy you only bring in when it's absolutely necessary. 

Sometimes a car just needs kicking. 

The tone is definitely darker than that of the first film, but there is plenty of humor to offset it. The most surprising example of this is Ultron himself, who has even more one-liners than Robert Downey, Jr.'s Tony Stark (even beating him to one). But a snarky villain is by no means a non-threatening villain, and it soon becomes clear that Tony's new peacekeeping A.I. is not going to play nicely with others. 

There are also plenty of Easter eggs to be found, some of which are obvious (vibranium, Wakanda, etc.) and some of which are not (when Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch meet Ultron for the first time, WHAT IS HE WEARING? Think about it ...). The movie is definitely a labor of love for longtime fans, and it's breathtaking to behold it all and let all the little details soak in. It certainly merits multiple viewings just for the sake of picking up on things you might have missed.  

Although there are some slow parts, they don't detract from the movie. The party at Tony's place (which has arguably the funniest Stan Lee cameo of them all) showcases the interpersonal developments between the characters, most notably the general sense of easygoing camaraderie amongst the team but also the budding romance between Black Widow and Bruce Banner (yeah, that one came outta left field). 

"I wanna get into those purple pants ..."

Don't let the slow moments fool you, though. There is a LOT going on in this movie, but rather than bog it down or degenerate into a mess like X-Men: The Last Stand, Whedon masterfully balances both plot points and characters, although there are a few rough jumps where it's obvious there was more material that got cut (I sincerely hope we get a director's cut DVD later). No stranger to large ensemble casts, Whedon gives everyone their due. He has a bit of fun at War Machine's expense, but we're laughing with him, not at him. Also, it's a relief to see Rhodey's dropped the Iron Patriot look, since in the comics the original Iron Patriot is THIS guy: 

Not gonna lie, though, I'd love to see him show up post-Civil War ... 

One of the biggest complaints the first movie got was the lack of focus on the two "normal" Avengers, Jeremy Renner's Hawkeye and Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow. The sequel remedies that, giving us a great look into Hawkeye's personal life (let's just say I won't be championing a Hawkeye/Mockingbird romance in the MCU anymore) and showing a Scarlet Witch-induced look into Black Widow's past (which leads to a heartbreaking confession to Banner). Hawkeye finally comes across like the cocky hothead he is in the comics, and gets his share of action scenes despite admitting he's just a guy with a bow and arrow. He also manages to get the drop on Scarlet Witch when she tries to mess with his head.

On the subject of ol' SW, let's talk about "the miracle twins." S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Maria Hill puts it best when she explains their powers to a confused Captain America: "He's fast and she's weird." 

VERY weird. 

Aaron Taylor-Johnson's Pietro Maximoff/Quicksilver definitely looks more like the comic version than Evan Peters' did in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and also has more of the moody, arrogant jerk vibe. Although Peters is the superior version overall in terms of effects and sheer entertainment value, Taylor-Johnson does a commendable job bringing the Avengers' version to life. His rivalry with Hawkeye is particularly amusing, and foreshadows a big moment later in the film. 

He didn't see that one coming. 

Elizabeth Olsen's Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch is a pleasant surprise. I didn't expect to like her. I didn't particularly want to like her (I'm an X-Men fan, and if you've read "House of M" you'll understand my dislike). But she's perfect. She nails the darkness and rage of the character, but also the softer side, and you really feel for her by the end, at which point she is finally a full-fledged Avenger. Her powers are ill-defined, but no worse than her comic counterpart's. And the film very subtly teases her eventual romantic relationship with one of her new teammates.

Ummm ... not this one. 

Hulk has a good showing as well, and it's becoming more and more obvious that despite Banner's insistence to the contrary, Hulk isn't "the other guy," but basically just a 'roid-raging Banner. Most of his problems stem directly from that denial, and it's interesting to see that when Scarlet Witch messes about with everyone's minds and causes them to see their worst fears, Hulk's perspective is the only one we don't get to see. Hmmm ... perhaps his secret isn't just "I'm always angry," but "I'm always Banner." 

Cap, too, is in top form here. He's still wistful about his position as a "man out of time," dealing with the fact that the only people who "get" him are octogenarians, but he finally acknowledges his place is as an Avenger. His straight-laced nature gets some good laughs ("Language!"––the running joke that kept on giving), but it also reveals a telling point about Tony Stark, who says he doesn't trust anyone who doesn't have a dark side. Cap really is THAT good ... THAT honest ... THAT brave, and it kind of freaks Tony out, and causes him to undermine Cap's leadership ... twice. The first time it doesn't go so well (hello, Ultron). The second time, it actually works out for the best. 

Hello, Vision!

At long last, Paul Bettany goes from voicing J.A.R.V.I.S. to playing the full-fledged Vision, and he kicks copious amounts of butt. His phasing ability is downplayed (and not explained at all), but he does utilize it against some Ultron drones. Bettany plays Vision as a kind, innocent character––the stark (pun intended) contrast to both his fathers (Tony and Ultron ... it's complicated but not as controversial as it sounds). But even though he doesn't want to hurt anyone, he's more than willing to throw down if the situation calls for it, and his final confrontation with Ultron is surprisingly poignant. He proves himself as a worthy member of the Avengers (in more ways than one), and definitely leaves the audience wanting more. 

Tony Stark/Iron Man has his usual share of witty one-liners, but this film also sets the stage for his role in Captain America: Civil War. His hubris, coupled with his desperation to save everyone––to fix everything––on top of his guilt/martyr complex, are what lead to Ultron's creation, and also what will inevitably lead him to support the Superhuman Registration Act. Alas, I'm getting ahead of myself there (the act hasn't been brought up yet, but I'm sure Hulk and Tony's little romp in Wakanda will be cited as an example of why it's "necessary"). Bottom line: ever since the battle for New York, Tony has been less and less of a team player, and more and more of a maverick, which was one of his more endearing qualities at first but is now ... less so. Contrast that with Steve's rigid devotion to the team, and things are going to get ugly. 

"Who ya gonna call? HULKBUSTER!!"

Although James Spader's Ultron doesn't top Tom Hiddleston in terms of scene-stealing, mustache-twirling villainy, he's delightfully quirky in he's delightfully quirky in his own way, and I applaud Whedon for not having Spader behave (dare I say it?) robotically. Ultron knows absolutely nothing about humanity save what he's gleaned from the internet, which causes him to surprise, horrify and embarrass himself at times. The scene with Ulysses Klaw (played by the wonderful Andy Serkis, in a non-CGI role for once) is a particularly funny-yet-gruesome example of this (anybody who's familiar with Klaw saw it coming), and Ultron comes across both shocked and apologetic. And yet ... he still fully intends to exterminate all humanity. Like, literally, in the form of a ginormous cataclysm. 

"You make it sound like I'm the bad guy or something ..."

I'm trying my best not to spoil too much, but the rumors are true: not every Avenger makes it home after the final battle with Ultron, and not all that do choose to remain with the team. But this isn't the end for the Avengers (since we all know The Infinity War is nigh), and the film ends on a hopeful note. 

Maybe not shawarma hopeful, but hopeful. 

By the way, Whedon wasn't kidding. Although there IS a mid-credits scene, there is NOT a post-credits scene, so you don't have to sit through ALL the credits. If you want a hint as to what the mid-credits scene is, though ... 

Caption this. 

Final rating: 5/5. It builds on the strengths and learns from the mistakes of its predecessor. Even though it doesn't replicate the excitement of seeing the Avengers onscreen together for the first time, it's chock-full of plenty of "OMG" moments of its own, and it sets up hopefully more greatness to come.

The 10 Best (and 10 worst) Comic Book Movie Villains

I love super-heroes, therefore I tend to love super-hero movies. But if a hero is only as good as his or her villain, then I figure I should pay tribute to my personal favorite comic book movie villains. Feel free to comment, discuss or debate, but remember that these are just based on my personal opinions.

THE BEST

10- Whiplash (Iron Man 2)
     Wow. As soon as Mickey Rourke shows up on screen, you know he means business. Although he's taken out a bit too quickly in the end (by crossing the streams, no less!), there's no denying the scene at the racetrack gave a lot of audience members serious goosebumps.

9- Mr. Rooney (The Road to Perdition)
     Exuding fatherly endearment as well as calculating evil, I honestly don't understand why Paul Newman didn't get an Oscar for this performance. Even his death scene is carried out with perfectly poignant grace and power.

8- Ra's Al Ghul (Batman Begins)
     Maybe I'm biased . . . I do love me some Liam Neeson. But he threw everybody for a loop in Batman Begins, making us think he was merely mercenary Henri Ducard, Bruce Wayne's mentor and friend. Alas, he was Ra's Al Ghul the whole time, waiting in the wings until Gotham was ready to burn. My only complaint? His big reveal needed an Ed Norton slow clap.

7- The Kingpin (Daredevil)
     Nothing against Colin Farrell's excellently evil turn as Bullseye (after playing wimpy, confused-looking heroes in all his big movies up to that point), but the late, brilliant Michael Clarke Duncan stole the show as the Kingpin of Crime. The first time you see him standing in the window of Fisk Tower says it all: this man is large and in charge, and smokin' stogies like a pimp.    

6- Obadiah Stane (Iron Man)
     With a name like Obadiah Stane, he has to be evil, right? But for most of Iron Man, he's just harmless old Obie, zipping around on his Segway scooter and being generally supportive of the injured Tony Stark. Then, next thing you know, he's full-on mustache-twirling evil, and it's awesome. Jeff Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.

5- The Joker (Batman)
     Two words: Jack Nicholson. He absolutely nails the role of the Joker, mixing outrageous comical antics (dancing to Prince while defacing timeless artwork is strange but somehow works) with some truly terrifying violence. But it's the scenes between the action that show how chilling Jack Napier really is. Frying one of his mob goons is disturbing enough; what happens after takes the cake.

4- Two-Face (Batman Forever)
     This is a man who had simply too much fun playing a maniacal villain. And that, my friends, is what makes Two-Face #4 on this list (because TWO-Face is DOUBLY awesome, and 2 x 2 = 4, and . . . oh, forget it). True, Aaron Eckhart showed us the subtler side, and certainly gave us a standout performance as D.A. Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, and Billy Dee Williams (Batman) is who he is, but Jones' raw energy and charisma makes him the best live incarnation of the character to date.

3- Bane (The Dark Knight Rises)
     "What a lovely, lovely voice!"
     Bane was a pretty big gamble for the final installment of Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. He is a lesser known villain, half of his face is covered for 96 percent of the movie, and he's a huge bruiser of a man who is being played by . . . a 5'9", 200-lb. Tom Hardy. Plus, he sounds like this.
     Despite all these factors, however, there is something special about this version of Bane (not this version--good GOD, not this version!). Because his face is covered, Hardy must convey so much more emotion using only his eyes and his body. Somehow it works. Every time Bane steps forward, tugging at his lapels Kurt Angle-style as though he's about to throw down, the collective heart rate of the audience shoots up. When he leers down at Daggett, his meaty hand resting on the slimy businessman's shoulder, neither Daggett nor anyone else in the audience feels in control. And when Bane speaks, we all listen . . . mainly because we can't understand him, but also because he is saying something worth listening to. And to think . . . he was just the muscle.

2- Doctor Octopus (Spider-Man 2)
     Machiavellian and smooth, Doctor Octopus is a super-villain with class. He's out of his mind, of course, but that doesn't stop him from wearing vintage shades and a dark-green overcoat that never goes out of style with the bad guy crowd. What I enjoyed most about Doc Ock was that he blamed his arms for everything, even though most of the rotten things he did were his idea ("Butterfingers!"). Also, if you have any doubts at all that Doc Ock belongs among the top echelon of movie super-villains, check this out. After watching that clip again, I feel badly about not giving him the top spot. But, alas, that honor absolutely must go to . . .

1- Loki (The Avengers)
     I already said in a previous post that The Avengers is my favorite comic book movie, and as you may recall, I felt kind of badly about saying that because it's been out for less than a year. Nevertheless, I honestly believe it will stand the test of time just as my other favorites have, and so will its primary villain, Loki. This guy is everything a villain should be: he's both physically threatening and a criminal mastermind, plus his arrogance makes his ultimate defeat all the more satisfying. Most important, though, is that we can still feel for him and understand why he's doing the awful and occasionally quite stupid things he's doing. Loki is a villain with depth, visual appeal and humor, and that is why he's top dog on this list. Even when he's briefly imprisoned, it's obvious he's a few steps ahead of the good guys.

THE BEST OF THE REST

Who could ever forget Gene Hackman's epic, over-the-top portrayal of Lex Luthor? Or Liev Schreiber's sinister turn as the burly Sabretooth in X-Men Origins: Wolverine? And in Superman II, how could we not kneel before Zod? Mystique, Toad and Sabretooth all brought their A-game to the first X-Men. Thomas Haden Church brought a surprisingly poignant touch to the brutish Sandman. Bullseye was giddily, murderously delightful in Daredevil. Jim Carrey redefined the Riddler for a new generation in Batman Forever, just as Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito redefined Catwoman and the Penguin (Batman Returns), and of course, there is Heath Ledger's brilliant incarnation of the Joker (The Dark Knight). But as much as I love these memorable super-villains, they didn't quite make the cut.


THE WORST

10- Parallax (Green Lantern)
     Behold . . . space diarrhea! Voiced by Clancy Brown, no less! Ummmm . . . what? Where is the creepy, insectoid fear demon? Is this doofy-looking puff of intergalactic flatulence really supposed to scare anyone? At least secondary villain Hector Hammond had the whole creeper thing going for him.

9- Jigsaw (Punisher: War Zone)
     Dominic West as Jigsaw . . . he's big, intense and scary-looking, plus he's not a bad actor--what could go wrong? Oh, wait . . .
     Seriously, it looks like WWE Chairman Vince McMahon wearing the puffy shirt from Seinfeld.

8- Poison Ivy (Batman and Robin)
     "My vines have a crush on you!"
     Oh, if only that had been her worst line . . . Uma Thurman completely dropped the ball in this one, although I enjoyed her early scenes as the nerdy Dr. Isley. Watching Batman and Robin fall head-over-heels for her to the point of absolute incompetence? Just painful to watch.


7- The Dark Phoenix (X-Men: The Last Stand)
     The Phoenix is fire and power and life incarnate and all that happy crap. Even when she goes dark in the comics, she only seems to get hotter and happier (especially as she's snuffing out entire planets full of Asparagus People). So why did we get this veiny, frumpy thing in the movie? Ick.

I sure hope there's a Visine for that . . .

6- The Devil/Roark (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)
     One, it's not Peter Fonda. Two, he's a pudgy, older gentleman who is scary, perhaps, in the "Old Mr. Potter's going to shut down the old Savings and Loan" kind of way but not the "I'll swallow your SOUL!" way. Three, he drives a very, very boring vehicle. The Devil I know, he of the sex and the drugs and the rock and roll and the Oprah Channel, drives a hot rod.


5- Venom (Spider-Man 3)
     VENOM was actually quite cool in Spider-Man 3. Eddie Brock, on the other hand, was Topher Grace. Not that there's anything wrong with Topher Grace, mind you. Frankly, he might have been a very good Spider-Man had Tobey Maguire not been cast. And the film was going for a "Peter Parker's dark reflection" look, but it just didn't work. Topher was tiny, and although the comic book version of Venom had a twisted sense of honor, Topher-Venom was, to put it bluntly, just a douchebag.

4-The Green Goblin (Spider-Man)
     -The exact opposite of Venom, Willem Dafoe was actually perfect as Norman Osborn. His freak-out in the board room was exactly what I wish he could have been like as the Goblin. UNFORTUNATELY, what we got was a Power Ranger villain on a flying sled. Just . . . no. No. His worst line? "Sleeeeeeeeeep, ha-haaaa."

3- Magneto (X-Men)
     Bear with me here. Ian McKellen is a great actor. He was perfect as Gandalf. But he was absolutely weaksauce as Magneto. It's not all his fault, mind you--he's old, frail and a bit light in the loafers, if you get my drift--and none of these things describe Magneto (except the "old" part, but he aged better in the comics). To his credit, he got steadily better with each film in the series, to the point that he's doing WICKED epic stuff (like this, for instance), but still . . . where's Alan Rickman when you need him?

2- Galactus (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
     Soooooo . . . instead of the giant, purple-clad, horned humanoid we all know and love, we get . . . a cloud. And a horned shadow, to the film's credit, but . . . a cloud? It's Parallax without a voice--and Parallax was dull as paint drying in the Green Lantern film. Obviously Fox didn't want to expend its budget when clearly the plan was to make a Silver Surfer film with Galactus as the main villain, but I would have settled for a lowly stuntman (or Mel Gibson, ideally) traipsing across the screen in the Galactus get-up--the cheesier, the better! Anything but . . . a cloud.

1- Doctor Doom (Fantastic Four)
      I honestly don't know what they were going for here. Julian McMahon had the right look for Doom, but he seemed confused by his awful, indecisive script. His Doom wasn't exactly the comic-bookish Latverian dictator we were hoping for, but he wasn't quite right as a diabolical businessman, either. The whole bit where he has actual super powers instead of a suit of armor seemed forced, as well, as were his ill-defined electro-metal powers. Fox fixed this with the sequel, but unfortunately, the damage was done; Doom will go down in infamy as the absolute worst film portrayal of a super-villain.


THE NOT TERRIBLE, BUT NOT SO GREAT, EITHER

Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor in Superman III) and Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin) were silly, but I enjoyed their hammy acting regardless (honestly, Ah-nuld was the only thing in Batman and Robin even worth remembering). And, as much as I love Hugo Weaving, it was obvious in his portrayal of the Red Skull that his heart just wasn't in it. Also, I loved X-Men: First Class, but all I cared about was the dynamic between Xavier and Magneto. I couldn't have cared less about Emma Frost or the overly-Bacony Sebastian Shaw. As for the Abomination (The Incredible Hulk), Tim Roth was fine; it was the Swamp Thing ripoff he turned into that failed to impress. Finally, I love Watchmen, and frankly, Matthew Goode's Ozymandias was a very good villain. The only problem (and it's a big one) is that it is obvious from the very start that he is the one behind everything. Subtle Goode isn't; he looked evil AT ALL TIMES.

My favorite comic book films (so far)

Right now it's just a list, but one I fully intend to flesh out over the next week or so.

10: Superman 2
"Kneel before Zod!" Seriously, how much more epic can it get? Although Jack O'Halloran's monstrous portrayal of Non (whose beard was unparalleled up until the NBA days of one Vlade Divac) will always be my favorite, all three Kryptonian creep-os beating the stuffing out of Superman made for an awesome film, indeed. Although Superman finally gettin' it on with Margot Kidder was . . . unsettling.

9: Hellboy
Guillermo del Toro had already proved his comic book film directing chops with Blade II (which was ever so much better than the other installments of the series). Hellboy, however, really let him go nuts with the prosthetics and the visual gags and the strangely steampunk reality he builds around his foam-rubber protagonist. On that note, Ron Perlman is deserving of particular praise because he is able to build such a likable, relatable human connection between Hellboy and the audience. As goofy as he looks, it's so easy to get caught up in his story that his appearance makes no difference. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army is also an excellent (and very, very strange) film, but the first one set the bar really high. Also of note is Jeffrey Tambor, who goes from the hatable heavy to the very, very cool ally.

8: Daredevil 
The Director's Cut is better by a long shot because it eliminates some of the goofier elements and adds more action, but I honestly liked this movie a lot to begin with. Affleck is surprisingly believable as Matt Murdock, but it's the villains that shine in this one. Colin Farrell trades in his usual distant, troubled persona for a manic, snarling turn as Bullseye (brilliant casting), and Michael Clarke Duncan absolutely nails the character of Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime. The first time you see him, standing proudly and coolly in the window of Fisk Tower, you know this guy means business and revels in his magnificent evil. Also, this is the film that introduced a lot of us to the glorious sound of Evanescence.

7: Iron Man
I loved Captain America, Thor and even Hulk (the Ang Lee, Eric Bana one, darn it! Not the one where Ed Norton looked like he wanted to go take a nap in his trailer rather than be on set), but of the past few years of Marvel's non-mutant, non-Spidey films, this is the one that ushered in the Avengers Initiative, and it is a thrill ride. Not only is Iron Man the ultimate symbol of Robert Downey, Jr.'s redemption as an actor and as a man, it brought humor back to superhero films without resorting to cartoonish buffoonery. Plus, look at Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger. When you first see him cruising around innocently on his Segway scooter, your first thought is, "Oh, it's just Obie, the supportive dork." Because that's what Jeff Bridges was typecast--he was never the villain. But for those who mulled over the sound of his name (OBADIAH STANE!!), even those who hadn't read the comics, it became clear that when this guy showed his true colors it would be explosive. And it was. That was a villain--the one you didn't see coming until it was too late.

6: Mystery Men
"Und a diet Pepsi with a little bit of ice." Oh, Casanova Frankenstein, you devil! This is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, thanks in no small part to the ensemble comedic cast consisting of Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, William H. Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Kel Mitchell, Wes Studi, Pee-W--er--Paul Reubens, Eddie Izzard and, oh yes, Geoffrey Rush. And Michael Bay, oddly enough. Not the most accurate adaptation of a comic, to be sure (where the heck is the Flaming Carrot?), but it has heart, and that's what puts it on my list. That, and, "We've got a blind date with destiny, and it looks like she's ordered the lobster!"

5: Batman Forever
How? How could I put this squealing, brightly-colored monstrosity on my list and leave out the Dark Knight trilogy? Simple. This one was the most fun, and, frankly, the best portrayal of Batman. First off, this is probably the only movie in which Batman doesn't straight-up tell the girl he's Bruce Wayne. That takes a lot of self-control for the old horndog, who freaking sleeps with Talia al Ghul in The Dark Knight Rises. Val Kilmer, while not the perfect Batman, is the best we've seen so far, in my opinion. He has the big, strong build that Keaton lacked, the naturally deep Batman voice that Bale lacked and the self-respect Clooney lacked. Plus, the camaraderie between Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face and Jim Carrey's Riddler is screen dynamite. Their jewel heist and "Battleship" match are absolutely delightful, and the film has a dark tone (Riddler's humor is offset by his very chilling obsession with Bruce Wayne) without taking itself too seriously. The only weak casting is Chris O'Donnell as Robin (dare I say Christian Bale would have been better?) and Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, the love interest. The older, smirking, earring-sporting Robin was annoying at times, and Kidman tried too hard to be vampish. Other than that, though, Batman Forever will "forever" (haw-haw) be my favorite screen portrayal of the Dark Knight.

4: Spider-Man 2
"Oops! Butterfingers!" Only Alfred Molina could have pulled off Doc Ock so perfectly. The build, the hair, the attitude . . . perfect. Tobey Maguire stepped up his game as Spider-Man, too, shedding some of the blandness and inserting more humor into his performance ("You threw away my comic books?"). And of course, more J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson--the best casting decision ever. This is the film in which Peter Parker really examines the consequences of being Spider-Man, most notably the loss of Mary Jane from his life as she finds his emotional distance to be too much to deal with. And again . . . Doctor Octopus!!!!

3: X2: X-Men United
The opening scene wherein Nightcrawler attempts to assassinate the president is creepy as heck, which is what makes his ultimate characterization as a meek, sweet-natured hero all the more enjoyable. Plus, Brian Cox is very, very hatable as the conniving General Stryker, a villain so sinister the Brotherhood must team with the X-Men to take him out. Seeing a controlled Cyclops take on the burgeoning Phoenix also kicked mega butt, and we also got to see both the milder and wilder sides of Wolverine. This movie expanded on an excellent foundation in the first X-Men and proceeded to best it in every way. The only complaint I have is that we didn't get to see a fight between Nightcrawler and Toad, who was no doubt nursing his blistered tongue somewhere.

2: Watchmen (The Ultimate Cut, preferably)
Settle down, irate fanboys and moviegoers. I know what you're thinking, how could this cult film beat out Nolan's entire Dark Knight trilogy as well as all three Spider-Man films AND Iron Man. Well . . . I really liked it. Zack Snyder paid enormous respects to the source material (lack of "alien" squid notwithstanding), directed a spot-on cast (although Matthew Goode's Ozymandias is a bit too easy to peg as the villain early on) and had arguably the most eclectic and wonderful soundtrack of all time (Simon and Garfunkel, Leonard Cohen, Nat King Cole and K.C. and the Sunshine Band all have excellent moments to shine). The script, by the way, is extraordinary in its reverence to the original Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons graphic novel, and is carried out to perfection by its actors. Jackie Earle Haley is Rorschach in the film, and even though the audience doesn't see his face for most of it, he conveys such raw emotion in his performance, and succeeds where Christian Bale failed miserably with the gravelly voice. Patrick Wilson's portrayal of Nite-Owl II is simultaneously pathetic and awe-inspiring. And Jeffrey Dean Morgan perfectly captures the senselessness and sensitivity of the Comedian.

1: The Avengers 
Part of me wonders if this choice is premature, if this pristine rose of comic book swashbucklery will lose some of its luster as time and small-screen, non-HD televisions take their toll and the novelty effect will wear off. But I've seen this movie three times, in 2 and 3-D, and I love it more with each viewing. It may not have been deeply psychological like Nolan's Bat-films, but it hit all the right emotional chords nevertheless. And it was fun.
That's the main thing--it was an exhilarating film that took a good 15 minutes to really get rolling, but once it did there was never a dull moment. Joss Whedon is to be commended for maintaining such a delightful pace of action, thrills and humor, along with the ever-difficult human connection.
The Avengers is one of those films that, statistically speaking, should not have happened (at least not successfully), but it is everything a superhero film should be and more. Plus . . . shawarma.



THE BEST OF THE REST

The Road to Perdition is the one I really wanted to add to the list. It has some of the finest actors of all time (Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Daniel Craig, Stanley Tucci and even the wonderful character actor Dylan Baker), and they give it everything they've got. Also Thor, Iron Man 2 and Captain America (but not The Incredible Hulk), because they set the stage for The Avengers. The first X-Men was also a winner, thanks in no small part to the script by Solid Snake himself, David Hayter. V for Vendetta, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World are also winners. And of course, the truly grand Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises. They're excellent films, and the final installation was one of the best films I've seen this year, but they're not my favorites of all time. But, for the absolute darkest take on Batman, look no further than Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns. Nicholson's Joker, while not as "chaotic" as Ledger's, was ultimately scarier in his giddiness, and Returns had the absolute creepiest versions of the Penguin and Catwoman ever conceived.