Thursday, January 17, 2013

My Favorite Spider-Man Artists (and why)


Tom Lyle

 -Best remembered for his work during the “Maximum Carnage” storyline, Tom Lyle even managed to make Eddie Brock’s mullet look good. Lyle had a distinct, clean style that fit very well with the ’90s-era Spider-Man stories, and his symbiotes and goblins were top-notch.
If you didn't grow up playing the "Maximum Carnage"
video game . . . I pity you more than you can imagine.

John Romita, Sr.
-John Romita, Sr. had to pick up where Steve Ditko left off. Nobody had seen Ditko’s departure coming, and Romita thought he’d just be the fill-in guy for a while. Instead, he actually ended up penciling more issues than Ditko, and introduced classic characters like the Shocker and the Rhino.



He also got to draw this,
 which counts for a lot.

Mike Zeck
-Three words: “Kraven’s Last Hunt.” Although Zeck’s work is often a bit cartoony for my tastes, his illustrations of Kraven’s spider-covered acid trips and Vermin's feeding times were disturbing and visceral. Watching Kraven don the black Spider-Man costume and dispense his own brand of “justice” was equally unsettling, and Zeck nailed it.
The original title was "Kraven's Last
Pants," but it was deemed too icky.

Ron Frenz
-During the height of the ’80s “Gang War” story, Ron Frenz was the regular penciler on The Amazing Spider-Man. His work was dynamite, especially the skyline battles between Jack O’Lantern and the Hobgoblin. His rendition of the Hobgoblin was so good, it was he who got to pencil the (absolutely terrible) miniseries “Hobgoblin Lives,” and he got to revisit the (mediocre) character of Roderick Kingsley again in Spider-Girl. Frenz’s Spider-Man was classic and cool, and Sal Buscema’s inks in Spider-Girl only made a good thing better.  
At least the art was good . . .

Erik Larsen
-The man who, in my opinion, draws THE definitive Venom, Erik Larsen had big shoes to fill when he took over Amazing Spider-Man from Todd McFarlane. Surprise-surprise, Larsen turned out to be even better. His work was edgier and less cartoony, and he drew a heck of a Sinister Six—in two great storylines, one of which had the Incredible Hulk getting his butt kicked by Doc Ock.
And how can you not love this cover?
Steve Ditko
-Without Steve Ditko, we would not have Spider-Man—at least not the Spider-Man we know and love. Ditko’s style was gritty and realistic, exposing the ugliness of Spider-Man’s urban environment but also spellbinding in its intricacy. Ditko’s design work, too, is timeless, and even though Spider-Man has gone through his share of costume changes over the years, he always winds up back in the Ditko original.


Ditko also drew the most iconic, triumphant
 image of Spider-Man . . . ever.

Sal Buscema
-Fast, talented and reliable, Sal Buscema was one of the best in the industry, and his unparalleled run on The Spectacular Spider-Man was absolutely gorgeous. His sharp, angular style was perfectly suited for Gerry Conway and Steven Grant’s crime stories, and when inker Bill Sienkiewicz came onboard for a few issues, Buscema’s already-stellar art was made even better than ever. These days, Buscema mostly does ink work, but his pencils were by far his greatest contribution to Spider-Man's 50 years of publication.

From "Spectacular Spider-Man" #221, my very first Marvel.
John Romita, Jr.
-Nobody draws a better Spider-Man than John Romita, Jr. Nobody. From the ’80s onward, his style has evolved and grown and has become the definitive rendition of Spider-Man. Although his work was best complemented by the inks of the late Al Williamson, Romita, Jr. nevertheless turned out incredible work during J. Michael Straczynski’s epic run on The Amazing Spider-Man. Unfortunately, he’s paired up with Klaus Janson a lot nowadays, and although Janson is a great artist in his own right, his inking style does not gel well with Romita’s. 

Romita + Williamson = WIN



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Tale of Two Villains: Bane and Silva
















Two of the most critically acclaimed films of 2012 were The Dark Knight Rises and Skyfall. Both were the third films in their respective series, TDKR the final installment of Christopher Nolan’s reboot of the Batman series and Skyfall the third film of the rebooted 007 series, which stars Daniel Craig as James Bond. But that’s not all the two films have in common.
     Thematically, both films deal with aging protagonists who have to face and overcome the reality of their failing bodies. Both Bruce Wayne and James Bond have devoted years to stopping criminals both foreign and domestic, and they’ve taken their lumps in the name of justice. Now they’re paying for it with creaky joints and crappy aim.
     The films also hearken back to elements from prior films. TDKR focuses on the legacy of Ra’s Al Ghul, whose story completely fell by the wayside in The Dark Knight. Batman faces his ultimate test in the form of Ra’s Al Ghul’s heir and a plot to utterly destroy Gotham City. Skyfall, on the other hand, makes multiple references to earlier 007 films (which may or may not have actually occurred in the new continuity), such as “exploding pen” jokes, a vintage Aston Martin and the use of the classic Bond theme in the soundtrack. It’s a loving homage to the classic 007 films and a glorious experience for old fans and new, just as TDKR is a powerful, fitting ending to Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy. However, the most fascinating parallel between the two films is the nature of the primary villains, Bane and Silva. They have a lot in common.
     Although the true criminal mastermind in TDKR is Talia Al Ghul (Marion Cotillard), Bane (Tom Hardy) acts as her figurehead, and, when necessary, her muscle. He is a hulking, ruthless monster, and every time he enters a scene, all eyes are drawn to him. Every time he grasps at the lapels of his coat, the audience leans forward in anticipation of something truly brutal. But Bane’s strength is not what makes him a great villain, although it helps immensely (indeed, part of what makes TDKR exciting is that it finally provides Batman with a villain who can physically dominate him, making for epic slugfests of WWE-level proportions). Bane is extremely charismatic and highly intelligent, which makes him more than a mere bruiser. He waxes poetic and displays subtlety in his actions, and his voice is one of the most hilariously awesome things I’ve ever heard.
     Silva (Javier Bardem), like Bane, is a classy kind of villain, although he looks more the part with his white suit and well-combed, platinum-blond hair. He delivers every line with a whimsical smile, which makes him all the more terrifying. He tells horrifying anecdotes about how to effectively deal with rats and plays gay chicken with a tied-up Bond. He conducts an air strike on Bond’s childhood home while blaring Eric Burdon and the Animals. Like Bane, he even has a facial disfigurement (Bane wears a clunky mask that administers painkillers and Silva wears a complex dental prosthesis). He is, in short, the epitome of the Bond villain.
Sorry, Jaws . . .
     Here’s what makes these villains truly great: they’re hams. They are mustache-twirling, monologue-spouting, epic-scheming madmen who appreciate the finer things in life and inspire terror and other uncomfortable feelings in those around them. Bane is a fine Kretschmar ham, fresh from the deli. He is the delicate, flavorful ham all other lunchmeats aspire to be. Silva is cut from the same ham—shaved off and refined, awaiting a fresh hoagie, a slice of provolone and a kosher dill pickle spear on the side (sorry, I’m hungry). They are fantastic villains brought to life by fantastic actors, and they serve to make both films not just enjoyable but the stuff of legend. The Dark Knight trilogy may be over, but another Batman reboot is imminent with the announcement of a Justice League film in development. Likewise, a caption during the end credits of Skyfall announced that James Bond will return. But it remains to be seen whether or not these films will ever be able to match the hammy perfection of these films’ villains. 
Mmm . . . ham.


Friday, December 21, 2012

My Top 10 Favorite Christmas Movies


We’re four days from Christmas—it’s practically here! And what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t share my top 10 Christmas movies? Granted, most of them usually wind up on everybody’s top 10 list, but I figure I’ll share my reasoning while I’m at it.

10.  It’s a Wonderful Life
It had to make the list as a matter of principle. Sickly sweet though it may be (darn you, Capra!), it’s still a holiday classic, and you can’t go wrong with Jimmy Stewart. “Mary! The kids! Zu-Zu’s petals!” Nevertheless, I’ll admit he wasn’t very believable as a teenager.

9. Jingle All the Way
“Put the cookie down—NOW!”
Putting action star Arnold Schwarzenegger in a kid-friendly movie isn’t a new concept. However, unlike Junior and Kindergarten Cop, this one is actually funny. Of course, having Sinbad as his foil and Phil Hartman as his smarmy neighbor helps, and the absolutely ridiculous ending (“It’s Turbo Time!”) is actually rather epic. Besides, the film does a great job illustrating the madness of holiday shopping, and throwing Arnold Schwarzenegger into that chaos really isn’t much of a stretch for him. He even gets to punch a reindeer.

8. Just Friends
Chubby nerd-turned-smug playboy Ryan Reynolds unintentionally finds himself home for the holidays and decides to win the heart of the girl who friend-zoned him in high school. It’s pretty straightforward, but it has some of the funniest gags since Chevy Chase first greased a saucer (if you like watching Ryan Reynolds get hurt, this is the movie for you), and as a guy who’s all-too-familiar with the friend zone, I could relate pretty easily to Reynolds’ character. It’s surprisingly sweet and features some great performances from Reynolds, Anna Faris, Amy Smart and the devious Chris Klein. Plus, for added holiday fun, try taking shots every time you see the group of Christmas carolers.

7. A Christmas Story
No matter how old you are, or in what era you grew up, you can find something to relate to in A Christmas Story, whether it’s the childhood longing for the ultimate Christmas present, the humiliation of double dog dares or the realization that the secret message you’ve been waiting to hear on the radio was really just an advertisement. This film would rate higher on the list except for a few slow points, but it’s still one of the best Christmas movies I’ve ever seen. And the scene at the mall with “Santa” . . . oh, wow . . . “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho . . . ho . . . ho . . .”

6. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
If ever there were a movie that encapsulated everything that could possibly go wrong at Christmastime, by golly, this is it. Chevy Chase’s manic enthusiasm for the holiday swiftly turns to boiling rage, but still he obsesses over how to make his Christmas perfect, even when fate conspires against him and relatives become too much to handle. This film bombards the viewer with one gag after another, and right when you think it’s over, it wraps up one final loose end with a resounding BOOM. The film runs the risk of being too over-the-top, and although it does cross that threshold several times, you know what you’re getting into when you see the National Lampoon header. Besides, there’s no denying this film is fun to watch, if for no other reason than "SQUIRRRRRRRRREL!!!!"

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
There’s that one moment—everybody remembers it—when the Grinch sneaks into the little Whos’ room and finds them all fast asleep and lookin’ all adorable-like. The blood-curdling grin that spreads across his face as he stands at the foot of the bed still haunts my dreams to this day, and that alone would be enough to put this one on my Top 10 list. But it’s not just the imagery (the Grinch slithering around the living room is pretty terrifying, too); the music is fantastic, and “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is a delightful and memorable tune. Then there is Boris Karloff (yes, of Frankenstein and The Mummy fame) providing narration with just the right balance of seriousness and playfulness. This is hands-down the best adaptation of the story. Ron Howard should be ashamed of himself for messing with a good thing. And failing.

4. Die Hard
Now, this is a Christmas movie. You’ve got great performances by Willis, Rickman, VelJohnson, Bedelia and Atherton, PLUS Run-DMC providing some upbeat holiday music. If this movie doesn’t get you in the holiday spirit, I don’t know what will. Also, I think there are some explosions in there somewhere. It’s pretty dang legit.

3. The Santa Clause
Tim Allen was riding high at this point thanks to Home Improvement, so Disney execs thought, “Hey, let’s put this guy in a Christmas movie! It doesn’t even have to be good—his name alone will sell big-time!” Well, surprise-surprise, not only was it a Christmas blockbuster, but it was actually a good movie, to boot. Judge Reinhold is great as the dorky, weasely, sweater-wearing stepfather and David Krumholtz (who apparently hasn’t aged since filming this movie) is spot-on as the curmudgeonly, longsuffering head elf, Bernard. Throw in Peter Boyle as Allen’s boss and Eric Lloyd as the plucky child protagonist . . . yep, you’ve got a stew goin’.

2. A Muppet Christmas Carol
Believe it or not, this is one of the most faithful adaptations of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol I have ever seen, and it’s by far the most loving. The attention to detail in the sets is mind-staggering, and you really feel like you’re in the middle of a Dickensian setting, Muppets notwithstanding. Indeed, the Muppets, too, fit right in, and it becomes difficult to imagine Bob Cratchit as being portrayed as anything other than a green sock puppet. The human characters also play their parts well, and let it be known that Michael Caine’s Scrooge is absolutely perfect. He is selfish and bitter, and prone to yelling at the slightest provocation, and he hate-hate-hates Christmas. He even includes the line about wanting to see everyone who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on their lips roasted with their own turkey with a stake of holly through their hearts—how’s that for a kid-friendly Muppet movie? But seriously, he chews the scenery like a pro and displays genuine terror when Jacob (and Robert) Marley arrives. He even manages to say, “Why, it’s Fozziwig’s Rubber Chicken Factory! I used to work there as a boy!” with a straight face. And seriously, is the ending not the most heartwarming thing ever?

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas
It’s the best of the best—the one movie you’re obligated to watch every. Single. Christmas. Yes, the opening music is more dreary than festive. Yes, some of the voice acting is a bit rough. Yes, it’s predictable and ends abruptly. Yes, there’s no way that crappy little tree actually GAINED needles. But y’know what, it’s still a great movie, and it still makes me smile no matter how jaded I am with the whole holiday season. And even though I could go on an epic rant about how *technically* Christ really doesn’t have a whole lot to do with Christmas (it’s a secular, commerce-driven holiday based on a pagan festival that was co-opted by the Catholic church to draw in converts, and in all likelihood, Jesus wasn’t even born in December, but actually—oh, crap, here I go . . .), Linus’ limelight monologue gets me every time. Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown. Merry Christmas, everyone.



Now, in compiling this list, I thought of a few films that were actually pretty good, but had some flaws that kept them from making the list. So here’s a few of them.

Movies that came close but missed the sleigh (in order of not-badness):

The Nightmare before Christmas
Settle down, kids. I’m the first to admit Tim Burton did an incredible job with this film, and the scene where the kid pulls a shrunken head out of his stocking is pure awesome sauce. But for some reason, I just don’t enjoy it as much as I did when I was a kid. I love the beginning. I love the ending. But somewhere in the middle I get just a little bit bored. It’s still a great Christmas movie (AND a great Halloween movie), but it just barely missed my top 10. 

Elf
I actually liked this movie quite a bit (Zooey Deschanel as a blonde had a lot to do with it, as did the ever-awesome Peter Dinklage as the “angry elf”), but it didn’t quite make my top 10, either. Deschanel, Dinklage, Will Ferrell and Bob Newhart are absolutely superb, but some of the jokes seem forced. James Caan comes off as a little too surly, and Buddy the elf’s human brother is kind of a tool, especially when he’s trying to be likably plucky.

Miracle on 34th Street (1994)
Richard Attenborough isn’t the best Santa Claus out there (his crooked yellow teeth and violent tendencies make him a bit intimidating), but Mara Wilson’s plucky, pragmatic protagonist is equal parts charming and depressing, just the way the character should be. She’s given up on magic and happy endings, but by the end of the movie (of course) she learns to believe again.  It’s a pretty good holiday film, and worth watching, but it’s just not one of the best.

Ebenezer
It was a clever idea to set A Christmas Carol in a Western setting, I’ll admit. Jack Palance was an excellent pick for a crotchety old cowboy Scrooge, and the film had some truly inspired moments (the final gunfight with Ricky Schroeder of all people is pretty great), but the only thing worse than hearing Palance attempt to sing is the pathetic CGI snowstorm at the end.


Then there are the Christmas movies that make you wonder why they even bothered. The sad thing is, especially nowadays, most Christmas movies fall into this category. There are plenty of others that I absolutely hated (I’d watch Santa’s Slay over Must Be Santa, I’ll Be Home for Christmas or Prancer any day), but these are a few of the standout lousy ones.

Movies to make you yell, “Bah, HUMBUG!”

Santa Claus: The Movie
Ugh. Dudley Moore can ruin ANYTHING. This movie is absolute reindeer doo. It tries to be whimsical but comes across as patronizing instead. And, again, Dudley Moore. *shudder*

Mr. St. Nick
Kelsey Grammer is heir to the Santa Claus title. And he’s a shrewd, womanizing businessman. And he totally has sex, even though it’s a Wonderful World of Disney Christmas movie for kids. So, basically, you could call it A Very Frasier Christmas and ignore it altogether. Indeed, I think you should.

Surviving Christmas
What’s that? You’ve never heard of Ben Affleck’s attempt to eradicate Christmas cheer? Lucky you, because this movie was awful. I would say the fun stopped at the scene where James Gandolfini’s wife shoots cheap Internet porn (which her son inevitably watches), but I stopped having fun well before then. Just trashy. And icky. Very icky.

The Santa Clause 2 and 3
Remember what made The Santa Clause great? It was the story of a normal guy adjusting to becoming Santa Claus and trying to balance his family and professional life with his new duties as a holiday icon. The Santa Clause 2 attempted to bring back some of that conflict by having Santa’s powers fade and forcing him to seek out a Mrs. Claus, but despite some great ideas, it was ruined by a mentally retarded reindeer and the addition of various other characters (Mother Nature? Father Time? REALLY?!!). The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, however, was just a mess. The magical elements completely drowned out the human conflicts that made the previous two enjoyable, and David Krumholtz’s head elf, Bernard, was sorely missed. Eh, maybe more Judge Reinhold would have helped. Actually, he improves any movie.

Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch
Every Who down in Whoville liked the original a lot. But everyone who saw Ron Howard’s atrocious remake did NOT. Jim Carrey is pretty convincing as a live-action Grinch, but this movie is messed up from start to finish. The animated version is charming and relatively innocent, save for some serious nightmare fuel in the form of the Grinch’s sinister leers. The new one . . . ehhhh. Gross-out gags (like the doggy butt-kissing scene, for instance) and ridiculous subplots (such as the Grinch’s troubled childhood) fail to draw out any real laughs. It’s the only movie I ever saw that I wanted to walk out of, and I saw it when I was a kid. I repeat, I WAS A CHILD AND I WASN’T AMUSED. That’s saying something. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Roll 'em! My Top 10 Horror Films

It's Halloween once again, but as usual, I haven't seen a single trick-or-treater. Because I have nothing better to do, here's a quick rundown of some of my all-time favorite horror movies. Watch them all . . . if you dare.

MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

(Was that over the top? I can never tell . . .)


The Crazies (2010)
-This was the first film to ever make me jump out of my skin in the middle of a theater. I'm serious here. The scene with the deranged father--so full of red herrings--is disturbing and awesome at the same time, and the morgue scene is absolutely terrifying. The ending is a little cliche, but it's still an excellent film that I recommend to anybody in need of a good scare.

Devil
-Oh, baby. This M. Night Shyamalan-produced thriller does the impossible: it makes a compelling story out of a small group of people stuck in an elevator. There aren't any known actors or classic horror tropes, but what you get instead is a very unique film with a very unexpected ending (but from Shyamalan, could you expect any less? Good or bad, you're going to be surprised). What a twist!

Drag Me to Hell
-Wonderfully trashy, this is a Sam Raimi film through and through. Alison Lohman embraces her inner Bruce Campbell in this one, going from her normal, prim self to a leering, grave-digging madwoman as her demon tormentor keeps screwing with her life. The gore is ridiculous but also quite epic, and the film features the absolute most incredible parking lot brawl ever shown on camera. I hope (WWE chairman) Vince McMahon was taking notes. 

Insidious
-This one flips the classic "haunted house" story completely upside down, primarily because the film's protagonists aren't idiots. When they realize there's something wrong with the house, they don't decide to suffer through it; they get the heck out of there! Unfortunately, the ghost comes with them, which leads to the startling revelation that it's not the house that's haunted, but . . . eh, go watch it yourself. It is, in the words of one Ned Flanders, spine-tingly-dingly.

Storm of the Century
-"Born in sin . . . come on in!" Stephen King films are kind of a mixed bag. More often than not, he'll have a great idea, run with it as hard as he can and then tucker the f*** out at the home stretch, leaving everyone in the audience wondering what the heck just happened. Seriously--that's what his movies are like; if he can't come up with a conclusion, he settles for confusion.
Storm of the Century gets it right, and it keeps the audience in a vise-like grip from start to finish. This is no easy task, considering it's four freaking hours long, but it's absolutely brilliant. Plus, mega props to Colm Feore's bone-chilling portrayal of antagonist Andre Linoge. Linoge is smug and perpetually cool as a cucumber, providing an excellent foil for Tim Daly's character, Michael Anderson, who is the brave, honest sheriff who stands against him. And as film climaxes go, this one is excellent. 

The Invisible Man
-I do love the classics, particularly Dracula and the rather goofy Phantom of the Opera starring Claude Rains. But it's Rains' performance in The Invisible Man that stands out as the most chilling of all '30s horror films. Why? Because he's not a monster. He's not a soulless bloodsucker, nor is he a stitched-together, id-obeying corpse. Jack Griffin is a human being, and he is seriously unhinged as a result of being invisible for too long. Rains plays the role for campy laughs at times, but he's stone cold when he needs to be. The scene in which Dr. Kemp is driving away and realizes he's not alone is absolutely superb, and it shows just how creepy an invisible adversary could be. This is my favorite old-school horror film, bar none. 

Sleepy Hollow
-My favorite Tim Burton film (yes, even above Batman), Sleepy Hollow perfectly mixes gruesome violence with gallows humor to create a stylistic masterpiece. Johnny Depp is perfectly cast as the quirky police inspector (as opposed to schoolteacher in the original tale) Ichabod Crane. He's methodical, arrogant and prone to fainting, but his sharpness as a detective makes him an engaging character to watch. Better still is Christopher Walken (plus the wonderful Ray Park in fight scenes) as the Headless Horseman. With teeth filed down to points and his trademark hair greased up and wild, he's a frightening sight even in the pre-decapitation flashback scenes. 

Cabin in the Woods
-Joss Whedon, you've done it again. This movie takes literally every horror movie trope we've ever loved (or hated) and crams them all into one truly original horror/comedy experience. Now, even though I said "comedy," don't watch this movie thinking it's all laughs. It is dark. It is brutal. It is unfair. It will make you jump. But it also has that trademark Joss Whedon charm about it--that snarky wit driving the plot along and keeping your eyes open when you'd ordinarily be scrunching them tightly shut. Easily the best horror film I've seen since . . .

Jeepers Creepers
-I loved this movie as soon as I saw the trailer. It's fun, it's thrilling and it's extremely gory. It also features very strong performances from its two main protagonists, played by Justin Long and Gina Philips. From the license plate game they play at the beginning to the self-sacrifice at the end, they come across as authentic siblings. Also of note is "The Creeper," a truly loathsome movie monster who is nonetheless enjoyable to watch, especially due to his awesome truck and even more awesome license plates ("BEATINGU").

Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn
-"I'll swallow your soul!" Or, better yet, I'll watch this movie again and again. I'm watching it right now, actually; it's that good. Evil Dead II is campy to the point of being epic, and sharp-chinned leading man Bruce Campbell chews the scenery and spits it back out like a pro. The first Evil Dead was so bad it was funny, but this one? This one is just plain funny. And gory. Very gory. "You bastards--give me back my hand!"


Honorable mentions: Psycho, Pet Sematary, Halloween (1978 AND 2007--don't judge me), 1408, Red Eye, 'Salem's Lot (1979), The Mist, It, Let Me In, Alien . . . these are all great movies, and it was hard cutting them out of my top 10. But, alas, it had to be done. I heartily recommend any of these films, fo'shizzle.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

And, while I'm at it . . .

I wish I could say my decision to start drinking was all about peer pressure. To tell the truth, I purposely chose to drink when I did just so I could use that excuse. But that's not entirely true. I started drinking for the same reason we as human beings make any big lifestyle decision: I wanted to be different.

Why did I want to be different? Well, frankly, it's because I was dissatisfied with who I was (am, and ever shall be). I never wanted to be a drinker, but I was sick and tired of being who I was, because who I was simply wasn't satisfying. I wanted to be good enough so badly . . . I wanted to be the type of person who could fit in instead of hanging around awkwardly. I wanted to be the type of person who could cut loose and have fun. I wanted to be somebody different because the person I was (am, and ever shall be) . . . was the type of person who was a great friend, dependable, loyal, predictable, and absolutely undesirable otherwise. I drank to be different, in hopes that maybe another side of me--the spontaneous party animal that surely was locked in there somewhere--might be enough. But a drunk me is still me, only more annoying. It didn't work out the way I had hoped.

The worst part is that even though I certainly don't drink often, I find myself craving alcohol from time to time. I never had these cravings before, and the fear of such a need is exactly why I avoided alcohol for so long. I actually want to drink when I go out now, whether I'm alone or with friends, and that bothers me. I'm not drinking to have fun; I'm drinking to numb my pain--to alleviate my stress--to forget about life for a while, if I might borrow from Mr. Joel.

I can't take it back, but I wish I could. I wish I could pour the vodka, the whiskey, the Smirnoff Ice and the Rumple Minze back into the bottles from which they came. I can't say "I don't drink" anymore with a clear conscience--not without adding the word "much." Y'know, what's crazy is that I thought drinking would make me different, but really, not drinking is what made me different. Now I'm just another college guy, and why in the world would anybody find that appealing?

Again, as I've said in previous posts, I'm okay with who I am now. I know I've got a lot of neat possibilities yet to be explored, and I have no doubt I'll find what I'm looking for at some point, but I'm still cheesed that I can't have what I want (or at least what I think I want) so badly. Nevertheless, if I don't have it, I wasn't meant to have it. I'll get over it.

Good night, all!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Another spot of introspective rubbish . . .

I guess I just wasn't good enough. I thought maybe--just maybe--there was a chance this would work . . . that maybe I'd be seen for what I am and what I have to offer, but it didn't happen. I am unworthy.



That's how I felt at first. But you know what? It's sunshine and lollipops now. Okay, maybe not exactly--I'm still wrapping my head around things for the time being, so I don't know what the heck it is that I'm feeling--but I feel better about this than I thought I would. I may still have a lot of uncertain emotions to deal with in the days to come, but here's what I do know:

     First, I still hate the fact that I'm still a chubby, awkward dork. It stings so much to think how different things could have been if I weren't . . . me. But even though I want to hate myself, I know that won't get me anywhere, because . . .

     It's not me. 

     Really, it's not. I've come to realize that I actually do have a lot of things going for me. I'm actually a pretty talented guy, and even though my skills aren't especially marketable or "radically kewl," I've found my niche. When I am in my element, I am able to steal the spotlight, and I'll admit that I do enjoy the attention. I can write. I can draw. I can sing. I'm gradually getting better at all of these things, and at long last, I've been able to apply those skills not just to professional endeavors but to personal interactions as well. People are starting to notice me, and not just in terms of pointing and laughing. For the first time in my life, my eccentric qualities are actually making me more popular instead of serving to further isolate me from "the normal people." And even though part of me is still tearing itself apart because the right people--the right person--still hasn't noticed, I'm still okay. The sun will still rise in the east tomorrow morning, and I will get through my day, simple as that. 

     



     


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The 10 Best (and 10 worst) Comic Book Movie Villains

I love super-heroes, therefore I tend to love super-hero movies. But if a hero is only as good as his or her villain, then I figure I should pay tribute to my personal favorite comic book movie villains. Feel free to comment, discuss or debate, but remember that these are just based on my personal opinions.

THE BEST

10- Whiplash (Iron Man 2)
     Wow. As soon as Mickey Rourke shows up on screen, you know he means business. Although he's taken out a bit too quickly in the end (by crossing the streams, no less!), there's no denying the scene at the racetrack gave a lot of audience members serious goosebumps.

9- Mr. Rooney (The Road to Perdition)
     Exuding fatherly endearment as well as calculating evil, I honestly don't understand why Paul Newman didn't get an Oscar for this performance. Even his death scene is carried out with perfectly poignant grace and power.

8- Ra's Al Ghul (Batman Begins)
     Maybe I'm biased . . . I do love me some Liam Neeson. But he threw everybody for a loop in Batman Begins, making us think he was merely mercenary Henri Ducard, Bruce Wayne's mentor and friend. Alas, he was Ra's Al Ghul the whole time, waiting in the wings until Gotham was ready to burn. My only complaint? His big reveal needed an Ed Norton slow clap.

7- The Kingpin (Daredevil)
     Nothing against Colin Farrell's excellently evil turn as Bullseye (after playing wimpy, confused-looking heroes in all his big movies up to that point), but the late, brilliant Michael Clarke Duncan stole the show as the Kingpin of Crime. The first time you see him standing in the window of Fisk Tower says it all: this man is large and in charge, and smokin' stogies like a pimp.    

6- Obadiah Stane (Iron Man)
     With a name like Obadiah Stane, he has to be evil, right? But for most of Iron Man, he's just harmless old Obie, zipping around on his Segway scooter and being generally supportive of the injured Tony Stark. Then, next thing you know, he's full-on mustache-twirling evil, and it's awesome. Jeff Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.

5- The Joker (Batman)
     Two words: Jack Nicholson. He absolutely nails the role of the Joker, mixing outrageous comical antics (dancing to Prince while defacing timeless artwork is strange but somehow works) with some truly terrifying violence. But it's the scenes between the action that show how chilling Jack Napier really is. Frying one of his mob goons is disturbing enough; what happens after takes the cake.

4- Two-Face (Batman Forever)
     This is a man who had simply too much fun playing a maniacal villain. And that, my friends, is what makes Two-Face #4 on this list (because TWO-Face is DOUBLY awesome, and 2 x 2 = 4, and . . . oh, forget it). True, Aaron Eckhart showed us the subtler side, and certainly gave us a standout performance as D.A. Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, and Billy Dee Williams (Batman) is who he is, but Jones' raw energy and charisma makes him the best live incarnation of the character to date.

3- Bane (The Dark Knight Rises)
     "What a lovely, lovely voice!"
     Bane was a pretty big gamble for the final installment of Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. He is a lesser known villain, half of his face is covered for 96 percent of the movie, and he's a huge bruiser of a man who is being played by . . . a 5'9", 200-lb. Tom Hardy. Plus, he sounds like this.
     Despite all these factors, however, there is something special about this version of Bane (not this version--good GOD, not this version!). Because his face is covered, Hardy must convey so much more emotion using only his eyes and his body. Somehow it works. Every time Bane steps forward, tugging at his lapels Kurt Angle-style as though he's about to throw down, the collective heart rate of the audience shoots up. When he leers down at Daggett, his meaty hand resting on the slimy businessman's shoulder, neither Daggett nor anyone else in the audience feels in control. And when Bane speaks, we all listen . . . mainly because we can't understand him, but also because he is saying something worth listening to. And to think . . . he was just the muscle.

2- Doctor Octopus (Spider-Man 2)
     Machiavellian and smooth, Doctor Octopus is a super-villain with class. He's out of his mind, of course, but that doesn't stop him from wearing vintage shades and a dark-green overcoat that never goes out of style with the bad guy crowd. What I enjoyed most about Doc Ock was that he blamed his arms for everything, even though most of the rotten things he did were his idea ("Butterfingers!"). Also, if you have any doubts at all that Doc Ock belongs among the top echelon of movie super-villains, check this out. After watching that clip again, I feel badly about not giving him the top spot. But, alas, that honor absolutely must go to . . .

1- Loki (The Avengers)
     I already said in a previous post that The Avengers is my favorite comic book movie, and as you may recall, I felt kind of badly about saying that because it's been out for less than a year. Nevertheless, I honestly believe it will stand the test of time just as my other favorites have, and so will its primary villain, Loki. This guy is everything a villain should be: he's both physically threatening and a criminal mastermind, plus his arrogance makes his ultimate defeat all the more satisfying. Most important, though, is that we can still feel for him and understand why he's doing the awful and occasionally quite stupid things he's doing. Loki is a villain with depth, visual appeal and humor, and that is why he's top dog on this list. Even when he's briefly imprisoned, it's obvious he's a few steps ahead of the good guys.

THE BEST OF THE REST

Who could ever forget Gene Hackman's epic, over-the-top portrayal of Lex Luthor? Or Liev Schreiber's sinister turn as the burly Sabretooth in X-Men Origins: Wolverine? And in Superman II, how could we not kneel before Zod? Mystique, Toad and Sabretooth all brought their A-game to the first X-Men. Thomas Haden Church brought a surprisingly poignant touch to the brutish Sandman. Bullseye was giddily, murderously delightful in Daredevil. Jim Carrey redefined the Riddler for a new generation in Batman Forever, just as Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito redefined Catwoman and the Penguin (Batman Returns), and of course, there is Heath Ledger's brilliant incarnation of the Joker (The Dark Knight). But as much as I love these memorable super-villains, they didn't quite make the cut.


THE WORST

10- Parallax (Green Lantern)
     Behold . . . space diarrhea! Voiced by Clancy Brown, no less! Ummmm . . . what? Where is the creepy, insectoid fear demon? Is this doofy-looking puff of intergalactic flatulence really supposed to scare anyone? At least secondary villain Hector Hammond had the whole creeper thing going for him.

9- Jigsaw (Punisher: War Zone)
     Dominic West as Jigsaw . . . he's big, intense and scary-looking, plus he's not a bad actor--what could go wrong? Oh, wait . . .
     Seriously, it looks like WWE Chairman Vince McMahon wearing the puffy shirt from Seinfeld.

8- Poison Ivy (Batman and Robin)
     "My vines have a crush on you!"
     Oh, if only that had been her worst line . . . Uma Thurman completely dropped the ball in this one, although I enjoyed her early scenes as the nerdy Dr. Isley. Watching Batman and Robin fall head-over-heels for her to the point of absolute incompetence? Just painful to watch.


7- The Dark Phoenix (X-Men: The Last Stand)
     The Phoenix is fire and power and life incarnate and all that happy crap. Even when she goes dark in the comics, she only seems to get hotter and happier (especially as she's snuffing out entire planets full of Asparagus People). So why did we get this veiny, frumpy thing in the movie? Ick.
I sure hope there's a Visine for that . . .


6- The Devil/Roark (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)
     One, it's not Peter Fonda. Two, he's a pudgy, older gentleman who is scary, perhaps, in the "Old Mr. Potter's going to shut down the old Savings and Loan" kind of way but not the "I'll swallow your SOUL!" way. Three, he drives a very, very boring vehicle. The Devil I know, he of the sex and the drugs and the rock and roll and the Oprah Channel, drives a hot rod.


5- Venom (Spider-Man 3)
     VENOM was actually quite cool in Spider-Man 3. Eddie Brock, on the other hand, was Topher Grace. Not that there's anything wrong with Topher Grace, mind you. Frankly, he might have been a very good Spider-Man had Tobey Maguire not been cast. And the film was going for a "Peter Parker's dark reflection" look, but it just didn't work. Topher was tiny, and although the comic book version of Venom had a twisted sense of honor, Topher-Venom was, to put it bluntly, just a douchebag.

4-The Green Goblin (Spider-Man)
     -The exact opposite of Venom, Willem Dafoe was actually perfect as Norman Osborn. His freak-out in the board room was exactly what I wish he could have been like as the Goblin. UNFORTUNATELY, what we got was a Power Ranger villain on a flying sled. Just . . . no. No. His worst line? "Sleeeeeeeeeep, ha-haaaa."

3- Magneto (X-Men)
     Bear with me here. Ian McKellen is a great actor. He was perfect as Gandalf. But he was absolutely weaksauce as Magneto. It's not all his fault, mind you--he's old, frail and a bit light in the loafers, if you get my drift--and none of these things describe Magneto (except the "old" part, but he aged better in the comics). To his credit, he got steadily better with each film in the series, to the point that he's doing WICKED epic stuff (like this, for instance), but still . . . where's Alan Rickman when you need him?

2- Galactus (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
     Soooooo . . . instead of the giant, purple-clad, horned humanoid we all know and love, we get . . . a cloud. And a horned shadow, to the film's credit, but . . . a cloud? It's Parallax without a voice--and Parallax was dull as paint drying in the Green Lantern film. Obviously Fox didn't want to expend its budget when clearly the plan was to make a Silver Surfer film with Galactus as the main villain, but I would have settled for a lowly stuntman (or Mel Gibson, ideally) traipsing across the screen in the Galactus get-up--the cheesier, the better! Anything but . . . a cloud.

1- Doctor Doom (Fantastic Four)
      I honestly don't know what they were going for here. Julian McMahon had the right look for Doom, but he seemed confused by his awful, indecisive script. His Doom wasn't exactly the comic-bookish Latverian dictator we were hoping for, but he wasn't quite right as a diabolical businessman, either. The whole bit where he has actual super powers instead of a suit of armor seemed forced, as well, as were his ill-defined electro-metal powers. Fox fixed this with the sequel, but unfortunately, the damage was done; Doom will go down in infamy as the absolute worst film portrayal of a super-villain.


THE NOT TERRIBLE, BUT NOT SO GREAT, EITHER

Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor in Superman III) and Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin) were silly, but I enjoyed their hammy acting regardless (honestly, Ah-nuld was the only thing in Batman and Robin even worth remembering). And, as much as I love Hugo Weaving, it was obvious in his portrayal of the Red Skull that his heart just wasn't in it. Also, I loved X-Men: First Class, but all I cared about was the dynamic between Xavier and Magneto. I couldn't have cared less about Emma Frost or the overly-Bacony Sebastian Shaw. As for the Abomination (The Incredible Hulk), Tim Roth was fine; it was the Swamp Thing ripoff he turned into that failed to impress. Finally, I love Watchmen, and frankly, Matthew Goode's Ozymandias was a very good villain. The only problem (and it's a big one) is that it is obvious from the very start that he is the one behind everything. Subtle Goode isn't; he looked evil AT ALL TIMES.