Friday, October 26, 2012

Another spot of introspective rubbish . . .

I guess I just wasn't good enough. I thought maybe--just maybe--there was a chance this would work . . . that maybe I'd be seen for what I am and what I have to offer, but it didn't happen. I am unworthy.

That's how I felt at first. But you know what? It's sunshine and lollipops now. Okay, maybe not exactly--I'm still wrapping my head around things for the time being, so I don't know what the heck it is that I'm feeling--but I feel better about this than I thought I would. I may still have a lot of uncertain emotions to deal with in the days to come, but here's what I do know:

     First, I still hate the fact that I'm still a chubby, awkward dork. It stings so much to think how different things could have been if I weren't . . . me. But even though I want to hate myself, I know that won't get me anywhere, because . . .

     It's not me. 

     Really, it's not. I've come to realize that I actually do have a lot of things going for me. I'm actually a pretty talented guy, and even though my skills aren't especially marketable or "radically kewl," I've found my niche. When I am in my element, I am able to steal the spotlight, and I'll admit that I do enjoy the attention. I can write. I can draw. I can sing. I'm gradually getting better at all of these things, and at long last, I've been able to apply those skills not just to professional endeavors but to personal interactions as well. People are starting to notice me, and not just in terms of pointing and laughing. For the first time in my life, my eccentric qualities are actually making me more popular instead of serving to further isolate me from "the normal people." And even though part of me is still tearing itself apart because the right people--the right person--still hasn't noticed, I'm still okay. The sun will still rise in the east tomorrow morning, and I will get through my day, simple as that. 



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