I wish I could say my decision to start drinking was all about peer pressure. To tell the truth, I purposely chose to drink when I did just so I could use that excuse. But that's not entirely true. I started drinking for the same reason we as human beings make any big lifestyle decision: I wanted to be different.
Why did I want to be different? Well, frankly, it's because I was dissatisfied with who I was (am, and ever shall be). I never wanted to be a drinker, but I was sick and tired of being who I was, because who I was simply wasn't satisfying. I wanted to be good enough so badly . . . I wanted to be the type of person who could fit in instead of hanging around awkwardly. I wanted to be the type of person who could cut loose and have fun. I wanted to be somebody different because the person I was (am, and ever shall be) . . . was the type of person who was a great friend, dependable, loyal, predictable, and absolutely undesirable otherwise. I drank to be different, in hopes that maybe another side of me--the spontaneous party animal that surely was locked in there somewhere--might be enough. But a drunk me is still me, only more annoying. It didn't work out the way I had hoped.
The worst part is that even though I certainly don't drink often, I find myself craving alcohol from time to time. I never had these cravings before, and the fear of such a need is exactly why I avoided alcohol for so long. I actually want to drink when I go out now, whether I'm alone or with friends, and that bothers me. I'm not drinking to have fun; I'm drinking to numb my pain--to alleviate my stress--to forget about life for a while, if I might borrow from Mr. Joel.
I can't take it back, but I wish I could. I wish I could pour the vodka, the whiskey, the Smirnoff Ice and the Rumple Minze back into the bottles from which they came. I can't say "I don't drink" anymore with a clear conscience--not without adding the word "much." Y'know, what's crazy is that I thought drinking would make me different, but really, not drinking is what made me different. Now I'm just another college guy, and why in the world would anybody find that appealing?
Again, as I've said in previous posts, I'm okay with who I am now. I know I've got a lot of neat possibilities yet to be explored, and I have no doubt I'll find what I'm looking for at some point, but I'm still cheesed that I can't have what I want (or at least what I think I want) so badly. Nevertheless, if I don't have it, I wasn't meant to have it. I'll get over it.
Good night, all!
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