Monday, November 10, 2014

Six Lessons "The Addams Family" Taught Me About Love

I recently picked up The Addams Family and Addams Family Values on DVD, and was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable they still are. Something strange occurred to me as I was watching the first film, though: I found myself quite envious of Gomez and Morticia's relationship (and not just because Anjelica Huston was smoking hot in her prime).

Don't get me wrong, they're definitely an odd bunch, and some might describe them as "creepy" and "kooky," if not altogether "ooky," but there's a certain chemistry between them that can't be denied. Here are a few of the inspiring things the Addamseses (?) taught me:

6. They're actually really nice people

They're certainly charitable. Remember the charity auction scene? It might have been played for laughs, but they seriously donated $50,000 expecting nothing in return. And when Tully, the scheming attorney, suggests Gomez create a fund in the missing Fester's name, Gomez takes the suggestion at face value, and truth be told, he probably would have helped Tully with his financial problems willingly had he only asked. That's just how nice they are.

"The interest will only cost you an arm and a leg ..."
That's not to say they don't have their problems, of course. For one, they're kind of awful neighbors. The movie opens with Christmas carolers getting a cauldron of ... something ... dumped on them (just imagine what happens to Jehovah's Witnesses!), and it's a little dickish how Gomez cracks golf balls through his judge neighbor's window on a regular basis, but in general, they do seem to mean well.

5. They're devoted to family

One hundred percent. First off, they have no problem letting extended family into their home for extended periods (Gomez's crazed brother and demented mother, and occasionally Cousin Itt), and once the long-lost Fester is reunited with the rest of the family, they celebrate in extravagant fashion:

And even when Gomez is down in the dumps after they get evicted from their home, everyone does their part to help out, from Morticia teaching kindergarten to the kids opening a lemonade stand (and running off snotty cookie-hawkers):

"Are they made from real Girl Scouts?"
Alas, not even the pleasures of daytime television can console poor Gomez ...

"But where do the cultists meet? I WANNA KNOOOOWWWWW ..."
4. They aren't embarrassed to show their affection

Granted, nobody likes "that couple" who can't keep their PDA to a G-rated minimum, but at the same time it's a little refreshing to see that the spark hasn't gone out in their marriage.

Quite the opposite, actually.
They're comfortable with each other's bodies, too, and aren't afraid to get ... well ... a bit freaky. For starters, they seemed quite intrigued with the prospect of leather straps and red-hot pokers after the bad guys kidnapped and tortured Morticia (not that I condone the whole BDSM thing ... sorry, 50 Shades).

Morticia put it best earlier in the film:

"... that's my job."

Also, "Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me ..."

'Nuff said!

3. They're awesome parents

Bear with me here. I know the first word that comes to mind when discussing the Addamseses' (hmm ...) parenting style is less "nurturing" and more "criminal neglect," but darned if those kids don't straight-up love each other, murderous tendencies notwithstanding. They're fiercely devoted to family, they know how to have a good time and, truth be told, Pugsley actually seems pretty well-adjusted compared to his sister.

Those eyes ...

Gomez and Morticia don't expect their kids to conform to societal standards, and the kids are quite all right with that. And why should they? They really are special just the way they are. I love the part where Wednesday's concerned teacher shows Morticia what Wednesday submitted for her "people who inspire us" project. Wednesday chose her *ahem* eccentric great-aunt Calpurnia, and, naturally, Morticia didn't understand the problem. It's all about family, y'know? However, she did inform the teacher that Wednesday would have to go to college first before she could run around naked, enslaving ministers and such. Priorities and all ...

*sniff* So inspiring!

And let's face it, who wouldn't want to be the parents responsible for this gloriously gruesome display?

2. They really don't care what other people think.

What I find most inspiring about the Addams family is that they're certainly conscious of the fact they're "creepy and kooky," but it doesn't really bother them. They're sexy and they know it, they have fun being themselves, and most importantly, they're happy together.

That said, of course, they can throw some major shade, as it were, when disrespected or, as seen below, when their mid-torture pillow talk is interrupted by the bad guys.

They're just misunderstood, after all. They don't care if you call them creepy, kooky or whatever ... they're just enjoying being their wacky selves. It doesn't matter what you do to them, really, so long as they're together.

Such devotion!
1. They're made for each other

Probably the most fascinating thing about Gomez and Morticia's relationship is the fact that these two very strange people actually managed to find each other. As in, there were actually two separate people from two separate families whose weirdness was both compatible and complementary. I love the scene where Gomez and Morticia reminisce on how they met at a funeral, and it's easy to picture the shy young goth girl meeting the impeccably mustachioed young man with the libido of a thousand Don Juans:
Morticia: "When we first met years ago, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy."
Gomez: "A girl."
Morticia: "An open grave. It was my first funeral."
Gomez: "You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse."
I'm honestly surprised nobody has pitched a full-on prequel to this effect ... something tells me a witty dark comedy about teenaged Addamseses (crap!) would do pretty well in today's hunky and/or glittery vampire-saturated market.

"I just want somebody who gets me. "
Long story short, I'm still searching for my Morticia, but despite being "just a movie," The Addams Family nonetheless gives me hope that someday I'll find that special someone whose level of weirdness approaches my own. I don't have a sweet pinstripe suit (yet!) or an affinity for fencing (I tend to hurt myself when handling sharp things), but I'm definitely a romantic soul with a flair for the dramatic.

Plus, I'm diligently working on the mustache.

Ladies ...

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