Thursday, November 3, 2011

Some Things on My Mind

Sooooo . . . I've come to realize a few things in the past few weeks.
     First, even though I thought I had come to grips with my role in the social order, that's really not true. I've got a lot of resentment built up that is starting to show itself in ways I didn't intend. I've lashed out at some people who didn't deserve it, and things have been awkward with us ever since, no matter how hard I try to fix things. Some things, once broken, can't be fully mended, and it's taking its toll. Dangit!
     Secondly, I can no longer lie to myself and do things I really don't enjoy doing just because I feel a social obligation to do so. To put it bluntly, I hate going to bars. Like, unless I have somebody to talk to, something to eat or something to do in order to bide the time, I'm going to be pretty bored. It's getting harder and harder to pretend I'm having a good time, and when I slip up, it makes other people feel badly . . . therefore the simple answer is not to go. Why did it take me so long to figure that out? Haha, I'm really not mad about this one, but I feel like an idiot for not drawing that conclusion sooner. Dangit!
     Thirdly, I have let work start to frustrate me, too, and that's no bueno, tambien. It's just a bit maddening when you go out of your way to excel, when you put in as many hours as you can and do your job to the very best of your ability, and . . . well, it's one thing to be ignored entirely, and I think that would almost be better. No, what's really bad is when a computer error makes you look like an opportunistic liar, and it takes a half-hour to prove that you really are doing as well as you say you are. Dangit!
     Lastly, I have come to realize that I have been a bit unfair to some people in my life. I look at them with disdain or laugh at them behind their back because I think they're being dishonest or degrading themselves to get what they want, even though I'm doing the exact same thing. I always prided myself on honesty, and even though there are some things I would never lie about, such as work (if any prospective or current employers are reading this), but I've told enough "white lies" and cut enough corners in my personal life to the point that I can no longer point fingers in good conscience (not that I should to begin with, but I digress). I say I don't like drama, but I'm still an actor. I still pretend when I'm with others, often with the expectation of gaining favor or respect in return, and that's not cool. It sickens me when I see others BS their way through life, and I can't keep doing it myself. As Damon Wayans would say, "Homie don't play dat." Dangit!
     How many times can a good guy screw up, and in how many ways, until he's no longer a good guy? I've been coming close to the edge, but I don't want to fall. Hopefully I won't have to find out . . . Dangit!

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